Six Years of Mayhem.....Junior, That Is!

It's hard to imagine that.....six years ago...yesterday....we had such a calm, quiet, and serene lifestyle. Being the parents of one, highly compliant daughter, we thought we had this parenting thing down to a science!

Then, six years ago TODAY...everything changed. My precious little man decided to join the world. Little might not be the appropriate term, as he weighed in at 10 lbs 4 oz....and was born a week early!

Though life is not nearly as quiet or peaceful, I could not imagine it any other way!

Happy birthday......JM......I love you more than I can express....and I JUST KNOW this strong personality of yours is going to serve you well, one day.......and when you have kids.....well, then justice will finally be served! LOL!

I thought I would celebrate the big day by sharing the latest in the ongoing JM soap opera that is first grade:

I teach at the school JM attends. This is both a blessing and a curse. On the plus side, it allows me the opportunity to keep tabs on him and his behavior. On the minus side, it forces me to deal with him and his behavior! This conversation went down last week at school:

Teacher: "Queen.....I think Big Cheese (principal.....a good friend of mine) and Medium Cheese ( assistant principal....also a friend of mine) are looking for you."

Me: "This can't be good!"

I see BC and MC striding towards me in the cafeteria...both with very strange expressions on their administrative faces.

BC: "Hey, you got a minute?"

Me: "Maybe........"

BC: " It would seem that your son felt the need to pee on the playground.....during recess."

( At this point both BC and MC bust out into hysterical laughter....as I plotted my impending move to North Dakota.)

You see.......JM has a love for all things outdoor urinating. Around here we refer to it as "adventure tee-teeing". It was a handy tool during potty training and has gotten us out of many a travel, side of the road pee, jam......but now........now it is coming back to haunt me!

Needless to say, he was brought to the principal's office......as many elementary schools frown on the flashing of genitals in public places....GO FIGURE!

BC: " I asked him, what in the world was he thinking?! To which, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said, I had to pee!" ( Cue more laughter!)

Of course, JM got the last laugh as he lost his recesses for the next two days and spent them sitting in the office talking nonstop to both BC and MC!

Oh......and just in case you haven't gotten enough bathroom talk:

One of the first grade teachers stopped me to tell me a funny story about JM this week. It would seem that she had the privilege of bathroom duty. She walks in to take her post, ever vigilant for the poor aimed or purposely aimed pee-er. ( For some reason the little ones have a tendency to pee on each other. Yeah....I don't get it either....boys are gross.....but I digress!)

There stands JM in all his hiney-shining greatness, pants AND underwear around his ankles, peeing in the urinal, AND.....eating fruit snacks!

Eating WHILE peeing!!!!! Yeah...that's sanitary!

Happy birthday you gross, gross, GROSS little man!

Open Letter to Wii Fit

Dear WF,
I know it has been a while since we last interacted, but there are a few things bothering me....and I fear we will never again be close if I don't get them off my chest.

First of all, my absence has not been totally my fault. I simply cannot be held accountable for the fact that your Mother Machine....the Wii itself......holds an allure that my son simply cannot resist. Finding a time when I can drag him away from Super Smash Brothers is extremely difficult. And....let's be honest here........the precious moments of silence I gain from his infatuation with you are ALMOST worth the extra LBs that I am rocking these days...........ALMOST!

Second of all, I do not appreciate you aging me far beyond my years. Is it my fault I have all the grace of a waddling duck? The audacity of you.....judging me.....simply because I have no balance! Don't even get me started on your smartass little comments! "Do you bump into things when you walk?" Seriously...how is this helpful? For YOUR information I don't bump into things......ALL the time!

Finally, I feel compelled to speak out against your most egregious offense! What in the HADES is the deal with making my Mii look like a beached whale?! Isn't it bad enough that you weigh AND calculate my BMI? Is it necessary to announce to God and CREATION, "Oh...that's overweight!" I know that's overweight.....THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Why else is my fat arse stomping and sweating on you?! While I must admit the password lock feature is a bonus....what is the use when any player can simply turn on the game and check out my Mii.....just chilling....large and in charge! Would it have killed you to make the announcement and leave the poor gal alone? That answer is a resounding NO.......no..it would not hurt....at all! I feel pretty certain you are not marketing yourself for the supermodels....so the big girls would appreciate some respect and consideration!

I am hoping to rekindle our affair. I can't help loving you. You're so compact. You're always happy to see me.....even IF I messed up the time on you and you ALWAYS think it is 4AM when it is 4 in the afternoon. I can accept you.......even with your faults! All I am asking is LEAVE the Mii alone....and nobody gets hurt!!!!!!!!

If you could fix these minor issues, I would be most obliged.

Your chubby pal,

Mayhem Tidbits

Hello? Is anyone out there? Missed me?

I'm still recovering from "blog rehab".......but I think I may be on the upside of my posting funk.

So much craziness has been happening over the last few months, I thought I would share a few of the snip its I have heard that have both amused and horrified me:

The Princess:

TP entered sixth grade this year. This alone has sent me into a seemingly endless cavern of worry and sadness. However, she is loving her new environment......so.....I suppose......I will survive this major change. This change has come with many unexpected....and some humorous encounters.

1. While at sixth grade open house, I commented to some of the other parents about how strange the experience was. Keep in mind, TP has always gone to the school where I teach. I have had complete control over almost all of her activities from kindergarten to fifth grade. One friend of mine, whose child I had also taught, replied, "Wait........you don't have any control over her schedule.....and you don't really know what's going on? Yeah....welcome to OUR world!" To which I indignantly replied, "I DO NOT LIKE your world.....and would like to kindly return to my own!!!!!"

I am.........GASP.........just a parent..........at this school. What a terrifying new world for me! LOL!

2. While sitting in the car, TP was telling me about something on her cell phone (YES...she has one....the reason why she does.....is the material for another post) and she added, "It's got this and that....YADA, YADA, YADA"

At this point, Mr. Mayhem and I promptly gave each other a WTH? look. While she has seen some Seinfeld episodes with her father......I feel certain we did NOT let her watch that one!

3. I have taken to make her "swear" to certain things before she leaves the house each day. It's kind of a funny way of making the point of my expectations for her behavior choices. It goes something like........"No taking or selling drugs, no alchohol, no stealing cars..........yada, yada, yada.."

One day.....I thought I'd be cute and I threw in......"No kissing boys".......She went...."No kissing........WAIT A MINUTE! I will NOT agree to that one!"

4. Did I mention I kissed my first boy at 12 years old and she will be 11 NEXT MONTH?!?! (Reaches for XANAX)

5. Just so you know.......the deep south is the new valley......as the conversation I had with TP and her friend the other day contained more uses of the word "like" as a speaking pause than the original 1980's movie!!!

Junior Mayhem

JM is rocking first grade and managing to stay (mostly) out of trouble. His teachers tell me his constant urge to share all our family's business (both real and fabricated) is highly entertaining for them!

1. When asked by his teacher of his future career plans, JM replied, "I want to be a golfer man....like my daddy....he is the best golfer man in the world!" (Who knew insurance agent was the new Tiger Woods? You learn something new EVERYDAY!)

2. The other day, in the car, I was highly amused to hear my 5 year old son singing, "Those chickens jacking my style" a' la Black Eyed Peas on the radio. Yeah......we listen to top 40 music.....I'm "Mother of the Year" like that! He's also a huge fan of "Fire burning on the Dance Floor" and feels compelled to remind me that....."Pop it, lock it, drop it....that birthday cake..." is my favorite part....as I mistakenly told him.....after he wore me down with the 500 questions before it.

So.......that line is uttered.....maybe 15 times in the song......and, just like clockwork.....he utters, "Momma......did you hear it? That was your favorite part".......15 F'ing times..... EVERY time we listen to the song!

3. It's difficult being almost six years old, dealing with the enormous stress of first grade, with only an older sister in your life. So much so that JM announced, "I don't have ANY brothers! I need a brother. I need a brother so I can name him Jack AND Jack will not touch any of my stuff." Then he gave me one of those.....YOU make it happen......gazes. Um....in a word......NO!

4. JM's imagination is running wild these days.....and I love being able to catch him playing with his superheros. If he doesn't realize your listening....the dialogue you can hear is hilarious. Last night I heard him talking in his room. I stood outside, trying to catch on to the discussion. Foolishly, I made a warning noise....and he looked over to see me standing there. Aware that I had heard him talking....he quickly deduced a plan to cover his tracks. He looked me dead in the eyes and declared, "I was talking to my mind!"

5. While on the way to my mother's house, JM was busy hatching up a plan to convince us to let him spend the night. He asked, "So.....where am I going to stay tonight?" Wise to the game, I responded, "At your house." Indignant....he gasped, 'Well....that is inappropriate!"

Good times!

A Recipe for Disaster

Just when you thought you were rid of me forever........after months of silence.......an affair with Facebook that I still can't seem to shake.......and the general business of life.........I'M BAAAAACK!

Of course, I am back to share another story of woe in the kingdom of Mayhem....because I know all the readers that have probably LONG since given up on me LOVE to hear me whine!

We recently returned from a family vacation to the beach. While this sounds exciting enough, what with the sand, sun, and fun, it was actually a RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Ingredients:
1 set of grandparents
1 family Mayhem
1 sister/brother-in-law equipped with newborn baby
1 mediocre condo
OH.....and the MOST important ingredient of ALL..........one raging case of the stomach flu

Directions:
1. Set all unknowing parties on a doomed pilgrimage to beach. Marinate sister and brother-in-law in stomach flu earlier in the week, but allow them to feel better the day of trip.....just so they can think they have recovered.

2. Throw in a dash of newborn baby......one that never got sick.....but obviously became a carrier of the dreaded bug.

3. Have all 9 participants arrive at beach condo, only to find it less than stellar....with older furniture and SMALL accommodations.

4. Just for good measure, throw in a refrigerator and freezer that quits working.....so the majority of the food they purchase can have a chance to spoil.

5. On the one afternoon that EVERYONE actually feels well, pour in one teaspoon of curious five year old. You know.......the type that sees fit to dial 911 on the phone in the bedroom that you didn't even know was there.

6. Be sure to leave out answering the condo phone as you know no-one would be calling you on it and it is probably just a telemarketer. (It couldn't possibly be the police checking on numerous 911 call/hang ups!)

7. Add a heaping cup of police officer when they show up at the door of said condo to see if there is a problem.

8. Drizzle in an enormous helping of embarrassment as you profusely apologize for keeping him from helping people in REAL trouble! (OPTIONAL: Grate in a small portion of your "Mother of the Year" trophy.....because you sent 5 year old into bedroom, closed door, and told him to entertain himself with toys and TV so you could relax and drink a cocktail.)

9. Next, fold in multiple cases of the stomach flu. Add these in slowly.....so it can last throughout the duration of the trip.

10. If mixture becomes too thick, you can remove 1 set of grandparents who left a day early....so my father could escape the SICK.

11. Finally, sprinkle an inability to see fireworks on the fourth and two upset children about that fact and season to taste.

There you have it..........a recipe for disaster.......AND the worst trip I have ever taken in my life!!!

At least we are all feeling better.....now that we're HOME!

Simply CRAPTASTIC!

Let me go through the past 24 hours....here in the Mayhem.

1. Last night I started to realize that my left elbow was a little tender. I have a small scratch on it, so I was slightly concerned.....but figured I must have hit it on something and not remembered. (CRAZIER things have happened). By this morning I knew something was really wrong. It was red, swollen, hot to the touch, and getting bigger by the hour. OF COURSE...I couldn't get an appointment at my doctor's office for today, so I went to the Urgent Care Clinic. By then, my elbow was freakishly huge and killing me. Wouldn't you JUST know that I have a staph infection in the joint of my elbow? I got a huge shot, two different meds, and get to go back to the doctor tomorrow. There is actually a pen mark around my elbow...so they can measure tomorrow to see if it has grown. As it stands....she made noises about sending me to the ER! Beginning of summer vacation: FAIL!

2. My kids are with my mom tonight and tomorrow so we can move my MIL into her new house. It is supposed to rain until next Tuesday. We looked like drowned rats after trying to move some stuff tonight. Correction: I looked like a drowned rat with a freakishly large elbow. NICE. Good deed for a family member: FAIL!

3. My mom agreed to take my daughter to a birthday party tonight. It was just down the street from her neighborhood. This was the first party in public I have let her attend without me. My mom was supposed to pick her up at 9:30. She called me at 9:42 to tell me she couldn't find her. SHE COULD NOT FIND MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately start frantically calling other parents (you know.....the good ones.....the ones who WENT with their children) in a desperate search. I was hysterical.......my husband was jumping in his truck to head to the place......and I called back to hear my mom had found her. My hands were shaking so violently that I had to give the phone to MM. I then proceeded to shake and cry for the next 20 minutes. If this is a prelude to giving her more freedom.....you can FORGET it!
Parenting: FAIL!


Simply craptastic.

Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple

So....it's been a month already? I can't believe I've been gone so long! Actually....if you had any idea of what this past month has been like (oh....and anyone who chases kids around to different activities DOES) you would definitely believe it!

Our trip was amazing! New York City is a fantastically interesting city. Our hotel was beautiful. The food was delicious! The architecture was unbelievable! It was easily one of the best trips I have ever taken!

Four more days of school. 4 MORE DAYS UNTIL FREEDOM! (1 more week of soft and teeball!)

Then....I'll be back with pics and detailed descriptions. See you in a week!

NYC or Bust!

Mr. Mayhem and I are headed for New York City on Friday. I cannot begin to put into words how excited we are about the trip!

We will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria.

We will have 6 nights without kiddos. I have NEVER been away from my kids for that long!

I am REALLY excited about it!

We need recommendations for restaurants and sites to see!

Did I mention I was excited?